


The Antique Answering Machine of Anthony J. Crowley

by ArsenicIsForever



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley's Flat (Good Omens), Crowley's Plants (Good Omens), Epistolary, M/M, Metafiction, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), The Arrangement (Good Omens), Voicemail messages, people confusing crowley and aziraphale for a couple, pre-series end, probably takes place in the early 2010's or so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:20:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22081705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArsenicIsForever/pseuds/ArsenicIsForever
Summary: What's on the tin! A collection of voicemails left on the ansaphone of the Demon Crowley.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 189





	The Antique Answering Machine of Anthony J. Crowley

**Author's Note:**

> The idea that Crowley has a landlord who leaves him progressively more frustrated and confused messages on his answering machine has been kicking around in my head for awhile. I also headcanon that Aziraphale calls up and leaves him long rambling voicemails because he doesn't figure out it's a machine (and Crowley keeps every tape). These two ideas created this fic.  
> 

**BEEP**

Uh, yeah, Hi Anthony, this is your Landlord.Just wanted to let you know that your car has been illegally parked in a red zone for a few hours now, and if you don’t move it i’m going to have to have it towed. Okay, bye. 

**BEEP**

_[ROBOT VOICE]_ Hello, Anthony Cowwley, Foster Insurance would like to see if you were interested in updating your Car Insurance Policy. Press 1 to speak with a representative, or 3 to unsubscribe from these notifications.

**BEEP**

Hi again Anthony, it’s your Landlord calling back, you can disregard that last message.Heh, uh, just — yeah — sorry about that.Didn’t realize you had a permit.Didn’t realize you _could_ have a permit.Anyway, sorry for the mix-up.See you on the 1st to pick up the rent check.

**BEEP**

—you always say that when I phone you.I am not sure what you mean by that — How does one place a phone call with style? Is there a particular way of dialing that I should be clued in on? [pause] Fine, be mysterious.At-any-rate, I wanted to let you know the restaurant you suggested the other day was quite wonderful. I appreciate the recommendation.Next time you’ll have to come with me. I — Oh, ma’am — No, please — this area is for employees only — which is me— Sorry, Crowley, I’ve got to hang up now.My dear lady, no that book is not for sale—

**BEEP**

_[ROBOT VOICE]_ Hello, we have important information regarding your tax return. Please press 1 to speak to certified tax representative.

**BEEP**

_[ROBOT VOICE]_ Hello, Anthony Crowley, this message is to remind you that your sunglasses order is ready for pick up at store #563. Thank you.

**BEEP**

— Of course I ‘know what to do.’It’s a telephone, it’s really not that complicated.It’s not exactly as though one needs to know Morse Code. Well, I wanted to talk to you about — well — _[whispers]_ The Arrangement… _[Long pause, waiting for a response that doesn’t come because it is a recording.]_ Quite right. Very smart.Mum’s the word. I’ll meet you at alternative rendezvous number 3 in one hour. 

**BEEP**

Hi Anthony, it’s your Landlord.Just wanted to let you know I’ll be stopping by to check around for a possible rat infestation. We might be calling an exterminator. Some of the tenants have been complaining.See you tomorrow! 

**BEEP**

Hi Mr. Crowley, so sorry for interrupting your meeting yesterday. Didn’t know the rats were — uhm — didn’t realize.My apologies. [abrupt click]

**BEEP**

_[ROBOT VOICE]_ Goof afternoon Anthony Coorly, our files indicate that you may be at risk of an audit. Please press 2 to speak to a human being.

**BEEP**

Halloe M’lord, jes’ wannedae check in regrardin’ possible witch huntin’ prospects. It’s haerd taemes f’er witch finnners these days. As ye well knoe — so do phone me back if’n’ye haeve any witch related leads. Good evenin’ to ya. And donae forget, you owe me a hunner an’ twenty pounds fer me taeme checkin’ in on thea southern pansy in the bookshop. Cash, if you please. G’day, sir. 

**BEEP**

_[ROBOT VOICE]_ Good morning, afternoon, or evening; this communication is regarding your preferred cable and, or internet provider. To prevent service interruption please have credit cards or routing numbers available and press 1.

**BEEP**

**CROWLEY, IT’SYOUR BOSS.REPORT TO HELL RIGHT AWAY, CROWLEY.I’M CALLING A MEETING.YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS ON ROBOT CALLS AND AUTOMATED SOLICITATION HAS BEEN A TREMENDOUS BOON FOR THE MACHINATIONS OF EVIL, CROWLEY.SEE YOU AT THE MEETING.BE SURE TO PREPARE A PRESENTATION FOR THE OVERHEAD PROJECTOR.I’LL ALSO BE FOLLOWING UP SHORTLY BY SENDING THIS INFORMATION DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BRAIN.**

**BEEP**

_[ROBOT VOICE]_ Good Day Mr Croller, thank you for subscribing to this subscription of business calls, if you wish to unsubscribe, say: unsubscribe. If you wish to receive more information, say: any word, including, unsubscribe.

**BEEP**

Hi Anthony, just checking in.You’re late on the rent, and nobody has seen or heard from you. Normally your neighbor complains about hearing you watching The Golden Girls at the highest volume possible and yelling at god-knows-what through the walls — which, hey, whatever as long as you pay your rent on time — but it’s almost like you’ve been asleep for a month!Give me a call when you get this.Oh, and send me the rent before I start charging late fees.

**BEEP**

Hello, Crowley, sorry for waking you the other day.I know you enjoy long naps.I was just becoming concerned as I hadn’t seen you in some time. I must say, the superintendent of your building was very rude!He was asking me how I had gotten keys, which I admit I didn’t have but it was only because I hadn’t heard from you in some time, so I thought it wouldn’t be much of an indiscretion to come up — but he was talking about “riff-raff coming in off the street” and “strangers in the building scaring the tenants.”Can you imagine? Me? “Riff-raff?”Angels aren’t Riff-raff!I thought that was very impolite of him to suggest it, don’t you?Crowley? _[Pause]_ Oh my, you must have gone back to sleep again.My apologies.Sleep well and dream beautifully.Good evening!

**BEEP**

Hey, Anthony, it’s your landlord again.If you’re going to give your boyfriend a set of keys then you should at least let me know first.I need to keep tabs on these kinda things. Can’t have just anybody coming and going.This is a nice building, not a flop house.I’ll let it go this time because he seemed like a nice enough guy, I guess.A little odd but whatever, just let me know in the future, alright?Bye. 

**BEEP**

_[ROBOT VOICE]_ Hello, press 6 for more information. Press 7 to unsubscribe from information. Goodbye.

**BEEP**

Hi, uh, Anthony… it’s your landlord. Hey, I just wanted to remind you that we don’t allow pets in the building. I came by today to fix your radiant flooring like you asked, and there was a giant snake slithering around your office! It wasn’t even in a terrarium or anything! I nearly jumped out of my damn skin!Obviously I didn’t stay to fix the heating, so give me a call when you get home so we can discuss this — this — snake situation!

**BEEP**

Crowley, it’s me.Listen, I know that you typically have Manchester, but I was planning to head there anyway for a play at the Manchester Opera House that I forgot to see at the West End, and I recalled that you had mentioned that you had to be there for a Tempting this weekend, and I thought since you hadn’t suggested it, that I might as well assume you would if you had known about the play, and I could just go on your behalf.Since I think you would have planned on doing it that way anyway once I told you, which I am now so-doing.At-any-rate, if you agree, say nothing. _[Pause]_ Excellent.I’ll phone you when I get back to let you know how it went. Tootle-loo.

**BEEP**

_[ROBOT VOICE]_ This a clear and polite but concise and firm message from the BBC which is balancing firmness with fairness. To disengage from fairness, say “I would like to disengage with professional and determined enforcement.” To engage with fairness say, “I have no TV set, but please continue to send letters and sometimes have an enforcement officer visit me.”There are no other options.

**BEEP**

Hello Crowley, wanted to let you know that everything went splendidly in Manchester.And the train ride was fine as well.I thought since I took care of that for you that perhaps you could go to Edinburgh this time — as a return favor, for my favor, which would have undoubtedly been your idea if you had thought of it.It does need to be handled by the end of next week, by the way.Oh, one moment — someone just walked in. _[Pause]_ Oh, never mind, it’s just you.Anyway, you’re here now, so I’ve got to go.Goodbye, Crowley.Hello, Crow— _[click]_

**BEEP**

Hey, Anthony, this is your Landlord. Hi. Just wanted to let you know that we’ll be turning off the water in the building tomorrow. Somebody put a whole damn ficus down their garbage disposal and it clogged the plumbing for the whole street. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fic since i was in college, also. It's nice to be back.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The Antique Answering Machine of Anthony J. Crowley](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22687009) by [luftnarp-podfic (secretsofluftnarp)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretsofluftnarp/pseuds/luftnarp-podfic)




End file.
